I miss her. I wish she never left. I wish I never met her. I wish it could all just end.
When is it all going to end? When can I just give up on everything? I’m tired of this monotony, seeing these people I don’t care for, doing work that isn’t going to help me. Who am I trying to please? Why am I doing this if I don’t want to? Why am I not allowed to do what makes me happy? I wish nobody cared for me so I could just leave and not come back. I want to be free, I want to live.
Even though I’m surrounded by friends and people who care, I’m still all alone. I’m so tired of it. I’m broken and I can’t be fixed. I can’t wait to find that one person who completely understands me. This diary is so pitiful and disgusting, every time I write in it I hate myself. More, and more, and more. I don’t want to deal with this anymore
Each day I spend in this perpetual hell gets harder and harder to deal with. I don’t have really anyone to talk to about my feelings except Renee, and even then I feel like she doesn’t care. I’m tired of being alone, I want to reach out to somebody but I’m so afraid of getting rejected I never do it. I’m just falling deeper and deeper into this black pit and now I don’t even resist it’s pull anymore. I hate feeling this way, and no matter how many times I try to change these feelings and thoughts, they come back stronger than when they left. I don’t want to see the dark anymore, somebody save me.
I got a call from CA and I was thinking about her, was it a coincidence? Laying here in my pit of self loathing and pity I wondered what it would be like if we were together. Again. I would like to forget about her if possible, but it seems that I can’t. This feeling of loneliness just won’t go away, I want someone. I need someone. I don’t want to feel this anymore, I want to feel the touch of another human being. I need to feel their love. I sicken myself.
She gave me a taste of love, and left me wanting more.
I really wish I was able to cry.
I don’t really care about my future or whether I die or not.
Why am I such a failure? Why do I fuck up all the time? Why do I not have any motivation? I want to do well in school, I just see no point in school so I guess I end up not caring in the end. I failed 2 classes and a semester of one. I should feel disappointed, sad, angry. I just feel nothing. I really couldn’t care any less. I just hate myself so much. So fucking much.